Phone interviews

I absolutely hate looking for jobs.

The process is degrading, especially since I screwed up the whole college thing. I'm essentially begging for scraps everywhere I go and looking for some sort of chance to prove myself. Every listing that requires a degree or specialized training reads "Please go away" and every rejection email should just have "You're not good enough" in the subject line.

And then, somewhere along the line, I lost my ability to interview. I used to be damn good at interviews but now I can't seem to form the words I need as soon as I cross the threshold. This is mitigated somewhat in person because I am able to make up for it by switching into what an acquaintance once called my "host mode." I love being around large groups of my friends (a difficult feat, if you know me) and I especially love having them at our place of residence. It is one of the few things that truly gets me excited in life. Anyway, I turn that on in person and it seems to have a positive effect. I usually get the second interview where they actually have to look at what passes for my credentials.

Then there is a phone interview. Every silence, no matter how thoughtful, is turned into a mistake along the lines of dead air on a radio station or downtime for your website. It is just uncomfortable and unacceptable. In person, I have these silences as well but I must manage to look thoughtful instead of stupid so it works out for me.

An ego the size of mine just can't bear that sort of deflating. As soon as I get myself worked up and have enough confidence to actually call people back I get flattened and reminded of just how many consequences my poor and foolish decisions have.

So I'm pretty sure I just screwed up this phone interview. It was supposed to be a half an hour long but it was 10 minutes with a promise that she'd send my resume over to someone else in HR. That is either good for me or bad and I can think of reasons to interpret it either way. As I said to my wife, I'll have to leave it in God's hands because worrying about it won't make me any taller.

I wonder what step applying for jobs will get me to on St. John's Ladder. It certainly should count as ascesis. It tests your relationships, teaches you humility, and throws you back again and again on the mercy of God. I've been listening to Father Lawrence Farley's excellent podcast over at Ancient Faith Radio and he spends a large amount of time in chapter 12 of St. Luke's Gospel expounding on all the ways and reasons we need to rely on God. I said an internal "Amen!" at every sentence, now it comes time to actually live it out; to remember what my face looks like, as it were.

Lord, have mercy.