(False) Humility and ADD.

I serve in the altar at Church, I love helping with the services (even when we are disorganized...) and actually getting to do things during the services means that I am being useful; even when my mind is a million other places than on prayer. Still, I value prayer over a flawless service and I'd rather have one of us make a mistake for reading our pre-Communion prayers or having father signal us to get the censer because we are concentrating on sing than have a bunch of angry, OCD servers who miss out on the fact that we are in a Church waiting on the descent of the Holy Spirit.

We have trouble getting above half a dozen people to come to any service that is not Liturgy, so tonight was sparse. Our priest had a meeting up at St. Tihkon's, so the guest speaker for the evening also became the guest celebrant and that had me super on my game. (I even reviewed the service on my lunch break today!) Despite that fact, I did not have a Liturgy book with me and had not said my pre-communion prayers, so of course I used a little down time before the service to get them out of the way. (If you serve, then you can imagine doing this service alone. Now imagine it with an altar where all your stations are on opposite sides of a fifty foot altar.)

I flipped to the back of the nearest Liturgy book and found my place:

A Prayer of St Basil the Great

"O Lord and Master, Jesus Christ our God..."

["Huh, the door is open. Remember that thing Steve Robinson said about praying in front of people? You don't want to look like you're trying to look good by praying in front of people." I move to the other side of the altar.]

"O Lord and Master, Jesus Christ our God..."

["Man, now you are out of the way and you can actually pray."]

"... the fountain of life and immortality, the creator of everything visible and invisible, the eternal and everla..."

["Crap. Maybe now people are going to think that you did that just to look humble. Doesn't that totally defeat the purpose of moving? You should just try to pray."]

"...O, Immortal King..."

["Does anyone really worry about that stuff? Do they notice anyone saying their pre-communion prayers? I'm not even sure a lot of people know they're supposed to. Don't judge, just pray. Why can't I get over that?]

"I have provoked Thy goodness, I have transgress..."

["Ok. Cool. Now you're actually praying and not thinking about other people. You really shouldn't let thoughts like these distract you. How else are you ever going to get better about praying? I mean, think how much good you could do if you actually became the type of person who prays well. Yeah. That'd be awesome."]

"... Thou art glorified forever. Amen."

[Sigh. "I'll have to pay better attention next time..."]

A Prayer of St. John Chrysostom

...

Of course now I have to worry that I've put myself out there as looking too good on yet another level of thought. I swear, if I attempted to get into an opponent's head this well when I was playing poker, I'd be a millionaire.

Anyway, this left me wondering on the drive home if it is possible for someone like me to attain real humility. Ever since I was little, I have always performed every action as if there were someone watching me. This has been good, in that it kept me from doing many things I shouldn't have when I was alone. It has also been very ridiculous in that I have altered ways of thought and speech based on the opinions of those people I wanted to impress even when they were not present. 

In light of the fact that I seem to need an audience to validate all of my actions, it seems like I will never be doing things solely for my salvation or even solely to please God. There is always an element of pleasing other people involved and that is why I have never been able to think of things as truly altruistic or even completely done to please God. In the background I am always thinking of how it would look to Church members, my priest, my wife, my parents.

It is all exacerbated whenever I am given a compliment. I think people interpret me as being standoffish but I never really have known how to deal with compliments and trying to try to be humble exacerbates this. (I'm much better with anger...) 

Tonight is the second time since we came to Maryland that I have been told by a clergyman how well I serve. I almost couldn't fit out of the deacon doors! I then attempt to flee those feelings and wonder if I am not deluding myself. I guess the important part it that I keep going back and keep screwing up every week so that I know where I need to improve. One late censer to the entrance is a great way to deflate that ego.

Anyway, I'm off to say my evening prayers. This week's goal is 75%....

B