I keep feeling like I need to put something out there for people not to read.

I want to participate in NaNoWriMo next year. I keep seeing things in reference to it and it stirs in me the restless urge to write and create. I usually satisfy this desire by taking things someone else has made and turning it into my own by slowly changing it until it is unrecognizable from the original. Lately it has all gone in to building new Magic: the Gathering decks. I've made some doosies but it isn't quite the same as the urge to put words on a page.

There is an underlying impulse there that is similar. I want to make the best deck with the hottest tech. I want it to win major tournaments and warp the meta so hard that something gets banned or restricted. I want someone to validate my efforts and to connect with what I've done in a meaningful way. I can't perform without an audience. It's the same reason I put thoughts in this box and want to write fiction that people will read. Stephen King mentions somewhere that when he was young he wanted to get inside people's defenses and ravish them with pure fiction. I want to do something similar but by any means necessary.

I guess if I'm being honest, I want the glory. I'd wager that that's a bigger motivating factor than many people would admit. Or maybe it isn't. Are most people aware of their own greed and vainglory? Or is it just that they don't see it as bad.

The tension in me, and there are a lot of those, is that while I want people to love the things I've done, I am a terrible elitist. Somehow my brain does not recognize the face that people who I have trained myself to look down upon (though I may like them in reality... that's another tension for another night) will necessarily also make up the majority of people who will like my "work." That's such a pretentious term but I spend half my day doing it while I should be actually working as it is and it can be very draining so...

Bah. I'll go hide from the world for a few hours in sleep. Editing blog posts is so annoying (but it probably wouldn't hurt).